Editor’s note: The following is a fictitious look into the future to see what impact the introduction of goal-line technology may have on English football:

2012

On July 25 2012, FIFA introduced goal-line technology in a new regulation covering all professional leagues throughout Europe. In a bid to win the next presidency; Sepp Blatter described the move as ‘A new era for modern football’ and something that will one day ‘influence the beautiful game over the entire planet’. The move was prompted by a successful pitch from Sports technology conglomerate, The Klassman Group. Their ambassador to FIFA, Wim Kollen gave an enthralling speech about the complexities of their new venture in football. Kollen spoke of the ‘responsibility’ The Klassman Group undertook when they began lobbying for the use of goal-line technology in 2010.

The following day, the British media were mostly positive – with the general consensus being a relief in what the guardian called ‘pulling the game into the 21st century’. The Sun newspaper placed the event on their front page with the words; ‘AT LAST!’. A two page spread inside the paper showed infamous goal-line blunders, the centre piece being Frank Lampard’s ‘ghost goal’ versus Germany in the 2010 World Cup. The Telegraph, although initially praising the decision; released an article from former referee and UEFA committee member, Pierluigi Colina who rejected the use of technology in the hope of finding ‘a human solution’.

On the opening day of the Premiership season, the media covered the addition of goal-line technology to the game with as much interest as transfer news. The unveiling of the ‘vibrating watch’ which was going to be used by all referee’s was debuted in the previous week with the opening of the lower leagues. No incidents were noted during the opening week, but in a Sky Sports News exclusive – The Klassman Group and Sony unveiled the new watch which would vibrate in confirmation of a ball crossing the line.

Arthur WS Smith, General Secretary of the Referee’s Association spoke positively about the latest development in the game in a detailed description of the process now involved during a goal-line incident. ‘Both manned high definition cameras and infrared sensors are used in reporting a goal to the referee. In the event of a goal-line incident the cameras are immediately examined by the operators, and then cross referenced with the data provided by the infrared sensors.’

The Klassman Group and Sony installed all cameras and sensors to the professional clubs throughout Europe. The costs were split between FIFA, European Football Associations and the clubs themselves. Football clubs with depleted finances were able to apply for ‘Tech Loans’ in order to cover the cost of instalment and maintenance.

2014

Two years passed and in England alone; 26 individual goal-line incidents were decided with the use of technology. FIFA acknowledged the benefits of the system and renewed an 8 year contract with proprietors The Klassman Group.

With this latest agreement, Sony sealed technology rights and advertising on the use of their own equipment. Goal-line incidents were now ‘brought to you by SONY’. The BBC initially restricted the use of the goal-line camera for the entire season of 2014/15. The dispute over advertising reached its peak when the Home Secretary conducted a ‘revised understanding’ of their advertising guidelines within professional sport. In June 2014 the Director General of the BBC caved to pressure from the media and commercial sector. By the following season, the Sony goal line camera is seen on screens all over the continent.

2015

The opening day of the season was marred with controversy as a malfunctioning goal-line camera lead to a disallowed Torquay United goal in their clash at Carlisle United. The goal that never was, sparked a backlash from Torquay United fans and club alike. Consequently Sony were fined £60,000 by the FA. In what was described by the FA’s General Secretary Alex Horne as, ‘An embarrassing, inexcusable blunder.’

In the following months under an investigation lead by The Klassman Group it was deemed that Carlisle United’s improper instalment and maintenance of the goal-line equipment had cost Sony the fine and subsequent impacts on their share index.

In February 2016 Sony then proceeded to sue Carlisle United for breaching the acknowledgement of usage which lead to a defamation of the company profile. The law suit was won by the end of the month with Sony winning in excess of £175,000.

In April of the same year, Carlisle United fell into administration and after two weeks of searching for a potential buyer and the deduction of 15 points, Carlisle dropped into the lower leagues and finally announced bankruptcy on May 22 2016. The club was disbanded over the summer break and Brunton Park was de-commissioned by the local council after a nearby Rugby side failed to raise the funds to purchase the 16,000 seater stadium.

2017

Controversy dominated the headlines exactly one year after the disbanding of Carlisle United, this time in the FA Cup final. Andy Carroll’s headed effort struck the post before bouncing over the goal-line. The vibrations within referee Howard Webb’s watch confirmed the last minute winner.

The beleaguered Manchester United lead the outcry in the following weeks as Carroll was seen to be in an offside position. In a press conference in early June, a Sony spokesman dismissed responsibility claiming that ‘Our cameras are in place to examine whether the ball does or does not cross the line, we conducted our task with total accuracy and precision. The ball did cross the line, the linesman however failed to acknowledge the offside position of the Liverpool striker. Perhaps this is another example where technology can help the inaccuracy of officials within the game.’

Neil Warnock, writing in The Sun noted that; ‘In the blink of an eye we are right back to where we started 5 years ago. It’s time to get rid of these ridiculous regulations and let video technology determine the game. It’s no use having just the goal-line covered, football games are won and lost all over the pitch.’

2018

Huddersfield’s promotion hopes were shattered when a 115th minute West Bromwich Albion goal is fumbled over the line. With goal-line technology once again concluding the ball had crossed the line, the referee Mark Clattenberg hesitated and conferred with assistants to then allow the goal despite desperate Huddersfield claims of handball.

The West Brom goalscorer, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain insisted that ‘I didn’t mean to handle the ball over the line, I can see how it would seem like I did. Football always has controversy, before and after video technology – fact of the matter is the ref would have given it with or without the cameras.’

In an interview with the BBC the chairman of the Referee’s Association Colin Harris suggested that Clattenberg’s decision was influenced by the video technology. When asked later to expand on these points he responded ‘Having video technology at our disposal is obviously advantageous. Yet, having a fool-proof system in our arsenal can often distort other incidents. Mark felt like he wasn’t in a position to override the technology, and consequently the goal was given.’

Harris was then asked if Clattenberg was aware of the handball when making the decision, to which he replied, ‘On this occasion, Mark was alerted by his assistant that a hand had been used in the build up, yet he was also notified (by his watch) that the ball had crossed the line. Mark Clattenberg made a natural reaction and chose the more accurate resource, which in this case was the video technology.’

2018

In an attempt to control recent events and protect the image of themselves and their clients The Klassman Group urged FIFA to remove the restrictions on video technology. The EFA, The Klassman Group and various investors instigate a referendum within FIFA, forcing the issue to a vote.

In June 2018, the vote proved inconclusive and a new regulation structure was drawn by FIFA president Zhang Jilong. The revised video technology rules allowed coverage of the entire penalty area, with authority to recognise, what Jilong labelled ‘any discrepancy noted by the officials’.

The Klassman Group’s ‘tech loans’ are re-distributed allowing for the introduction of twelve new camera set ups in each ground. Due to the tight regulations camera positions are to be allocated 6 yards apart on each side of the pitch with a ‘total, uninterrupted view of the penalty area’.

Aldershot Town, Gillingham FC, Port Vale and Exeter City all required inflated loans to restructure their stands, not only meet the latest video technology guidelines but to cover initial health and safety measures.

2019

Early 2019 once again saw English football thrown into disrepute as two Javier Hernandez goals in a Manchester derby clash are given; despite retrospectively proven to be offside. Sony were quick to point out that they weren’t to blame as both replays clearly showed that when the ball was played, the striker was outside of the penalty area.

The linesman who called the offside, Robert Pollock signalled ‘a misunderstanding of jurisdiction.’ as the reason for the decision he made.

In light of these events and of his decision to not include the entire pitch, FIFA president Zhang Jilong admitted that, ‘the decision was rushed and we failed to set out accurate guidelines for officials.’ After recognising his initial mistake, Jilong then continued to hint at future plans; ‘it’s time for us to recognise that some of our officials are dragging down the integrity of our football games.’

2020

Inevitably a total video technology authority is put into place. The first plans drawn up by FIFA required the removal of linesmen from within the game. This was immediately rejected by The Referee’s Association, as a strike from officials around the nation delayed the opening of the season. The newly appointed Chairman of the Referee’s Association, Nigel Genner labelled FIFA’s decision as an ‘underhanded slap in the face to loyal servants of the beautiful game.’

The delays continued despite negotiation talks as 12 Football League sides required total re-construction of their stadia to incorporate the latest camera set ups. The ‘Tech loans’ increased by almost three times their initial projections. In the case of Exeter City, St. James’ Park had to be reconstructed on a second occasion.

The season finally kicked off seven weeks behind schedule, with linesman still working within the game due to the action taken by the Referee’s Association.

2022

By the end of the second season with ‘total video technology coverage’ crowds began to plummet citing the ‘stop and start’ nature of the game as their motivation. The average game time rocketed to almost 99 minutes. A clash between Stoke City and Birmingham City reached an astonishing 110 minutes of play.

Teams within the football league suffered even greater losses in their attendances, as without big screen TVs punters were left unaware of decisions being spotted by the cameras.

On one bizarre occasion a red card was awarded to Cardiff City defender Lloyd Martin, for what the referee Mark Dennis suggested to be two distinct vibrations on his watch – which signalled serious foul play. The replayed footage showed that cameras were acknowledging an offside. The Referee’s Association pointed the blame at ‘faulty technology’, a claim which was ignored by Sony representatives.

In September 2022, the Guardian sports journalist Sam Wescott broke a story about the hidden financial constraints that the ‘Tech loans’ inflicted on low league clubs. With payments reaching ‘un-sustainable’ figures, he suggested that ‘for perhaps one reason, or a whole plethora of reasons – the smaller clubs are being priced out of the league. Are we moving closer to a European Super League? It certainly seems like only the big guns can compete in this hostile, twisted version of our beautiful game.’

Two months after this story broke, the financial constraints on the lower league sides increased with The Klassman Group introducing the requirement of large screen TV’s at all professional football grounds. Rules specified that the screens must reach a minimum of 150 inches across.

Bury chairman Donald Mills criticised these latest guidelines stating, ‘Its not about requiring another loan to cover the cost of this monstrosity, is that we have to lose around 150 seats to fit the damned thing.’

2023

In 2023 FIFA introduced what was nicknamed the ‘3 strikes rule’ which allowed the game to flow as usual, with the added rule that team captains were permitted 3 opportunities to appeal a decision. Jilong emphasised captains to use their chances wisely before seeking ‘video technology, which as we know – provides the unmistakable truth.’

This introduction was hailed by the FA as an ‘inspirational idea to not only motivate our teams but allow our supporters to fall back in love with the game.’

The Referee’s Association called it ‘A decision from FIFA that makes the game feel human again.’

2024

The three strike rule got underway and was subsequently hailed critically and rewarded financially as Premiership sides attracted full crowds again. For the big clubs team captains became elevated in the hierarchy of the squad. New wage structures were allocated among football’s giant clubs as the decision making ability of certain captains was able to change the outcome of a game. Manchester United manager José Mourinho was given a 5 game touchline ban in January 2024, for instructing his captain Phil Jones to appeal a decision. This instruction was spotted by a fourth official and punished weeks later.

Chelsea manager Frank Lampard was sacked after a ‘bust-up’ with his own captain Rain Davis for what he later described as a ‘stupid decision by Rain, which cost me my job’.

In February 2024 the Football League was rocked by the ‘Football Winter’ which was a nickname given to a financial downturn which resulted in 8 League two and 4 League one clubs all facing administration and inevitable bankruptcy. The Klassman Group’s then president Wim Kollen resigned over the decision to call in, what he described as ‘insulting late payments’ from lower league sides. The ‘Winter’ was echoed throughout Europe as entire leagues and Football Associations required a total re-structure.

Under intense media pressure, the English FA was able to ‘sustain’ League Two – despite initial predictions of having to remove the league from the professional game. Welsh and Scottish football associations merged with the English FA to create the British Football Association. This mutual decision was able to fill the gaps of League two and cover the spiralling debts of the Welsh and Scottish clubs.

2025

In what seemed to be a fairly straight-forward appeal against a referee’s decision, regarding a handball in the area – Manchester City won the Premier League. City’s central defender and captain Danny Birch was initially penalised by referee Jonathan Harman for handling the ball in the penalty area. Birch’s appeal however concluded that Harman had misjudged the situation.

Harman immediately resigned in protest after the game and took his case to The Referee’s Association who supplied a statement to BBC’s Match of the Day.

‘Jonathan has informed us that he will be supplying his immediate resignation to the FA regarding today’s Captain’s appeal. Mr. Harman has insisted to us that he spotted the incident and can say with absolute clarity; that he saw the Manchester City defender Danny Birch handle the ball in the area. Jonathan refutes the images supplied from FIFA’s cameras as a distortion and that he had “the perfect view”’.

2028

Despite the spike in crowd numbers which was inspired by the ‘3 strikes rule’ crowds hit an all time low in the 2028/29 season. Staggering figures from surveys regarding the big clubs revealed that 60% of their income was now from overseas.

The Premier League introduced the long awaited 39th and 40th games. At the end of the season, the final Premiership games were held in Singapore and then Dubai. Manchester City became the first club to lift the league trophy outside of England.

Upon his retirement, Danny Birch released his auto-biography which shocked football with his confession that Harman was correct to blow the whistle. The passage from his book read, ‘As soon as I appealed I thought, this is going to be a complete waste of time… I knew full well that I handled the ball and I even saw Harman’s line of vision. When the cameras didn’t see it – I was stunned.’.

Although Harman himself didn’t comment on these latest revelations, the Referees Association claimed that ‘Football has finally lost all human influence.’

2029

As a means to continue the sport without video technology, The Football Guild was established on July 27 2029. The founding members were two referees, seven football chairmen and a collection of former players. With this construction of the Football Guild; two divisions were created to allocate space for newly formed teams.

There were 24 teams placed over the two leagues, among these included Manchester Federation, Guild Football Club of Liverpool and Edinburgh GFC. The first ever Guild Football match took place on August 12 between Leeds City and Glasgow.

2032

In June of 2032 the FA finally abolished league two citing it as; ‘a constant financial burden with no continuity’. Nine former League two sides hastily reconstructed their finances and submitted their applications to join the Guild Football Association in time for the 2032/33 season.

On the 1st of July 2032 Ryan Peacock became the first player to be transferred between Association and Guild teams. He moved from Chelsea to Cardiff United for nine million pounds.

Uli Hoeness waiting for free money...

What would you pay for Champions League success? “Imagine if we had an extra 100 million euros available, then I’d tell our fans to get ready to celebrate winning the Champions League,” says Bayern general manager Uli Hoeness in an interview with Wirtschaftswoche. His proposal involves an increase of 2 € of Germany’s TV licensing fees (up from 17.96 a month, about $23.31), in order to fund professional clubs.

Outside of Canada and the United States, TV licenses are a fact of life. They’re a means of financing public broadcasting with only limited additional funds. In Germany that fee totals approximately $280 a year. With 37 million TV households, Hoeness’s proposal works out to about an extra $1.17 billion a year. That would put them within striking distance of England’s and Italy’s income from television broadcasting rights. Perhaps most exciting for fans, all the matches would be available on public channels (like ARD or ZDF). As things currently stand, only a single weekly highlights program is available.

What this amounts to, as the post’s title suggests, is the nationalization of the professional football in Germany. In one sense, this proposal is in keeping with other well-known, distinctly ‘German’ aspects of football organization: working-class fans haven’t been priced out of attending matches and individual investors aren’t permitted to own a majority stake in clubs. Both work to foster a sense of community, the first by maintaining a traditionally vocal constituency and the latter by maintaing the (sometimes illusory) power of participation amongst fans.

Things are unlikely to change in the near future, at least. According to ARD spokesman Harald Dietz, “This isn’t under consideration for ARD. The TV licensing fee for the next four years is set, and besides we can’t influence the rate. Fundamentally the TV licensing fee is not earmarked, but rather set aside for our general use.”

3 (Bonus) – Goals Schalke need until they break even on goal differential on the all-time Bundesliga table. At 9th place they’re currently the highest ranked team with a negative differential, 4 spots ahead of Hertha Berlin.

5 – Andriy Voronin’s hat-trick was only the fifth of the season. The others were Claudio Pizarro’s against Frankfurt, Grafite’s against Cottbus, Patrick Helmes’ against Hannover 96, and Demba Ba’s against Stuttgart. (Szabolcs Huszti gets an honorable mention for missing a penalty but scoring a brace later in the game versus Gladbach.)

5 – Games Hoffenheim have now gone winless. Furthermore, over this stretch they’ve conceded 8 goals. That’s as many as in November, December and January combined (although the latter two were shortened by the winter break).

8 – Seasons since the 1991/1992 (the first year of a unified Bundesliga) that featured a champion that did not also lead the league in goal differential. More on the correlation between goal differential and table position in a future post.

10 – Games Wolfsburg have won at home after their 1-0 victory against Karlsruhe. Across all competitions this season that number increases to 13. In fact, their only defeat was a 2-5 setback to Bremen during a mid-week DFB Pokal match earlier this month.

12 – Games (only one of which ended nil-nil) that Karlsruhe have failed to score in which, unsurprisingly, tops all teams. You might not be surprised to learn that they are also the only club not to have won a game by 2 or more goals.

14 – Goals scored (out of 22) by ‘foreigners’ (including German-born players who represent other countries, e.g. Hamit Altintop). This isn’t something I pay particular attention to, considering the Bundesliga is an international league. Neverthless, 64%? Is that the norm?

For a few pictures of this account (and others), visit Bild.
For a video (if you must) check out 101 Great Goals.

Why Cottbus Will Be Relegated: Somehow just having an old (non-Berlin) East German team in the topflight doesn’t feel right. That might have something to do with there being only 7 (including Berlin) East German clubs in the three professional leagues. That’s as many as North Rhein-Westphalia has in topflight alone. And there’s Cottbus’ problem, much like the GDR’s, of collapsing in the end. More than 2/3rds (21 of 29) of the goals Cottbus conceded this season came in final 45 minutes. Taking things a bit further Cottbus have scored 7 of their 12 goals in the first half hour while only conceding 3. While admittedly the squad is not as talented as others, this speaks to me of coaching and/or conditioning issues. The 2-3 defeat to Frankfurt epitomized this. After going up 2-0 in the first quarter of an hour, complacency kicked in as Frankfurt scored 3 unanswered goals in a game that looked all but in the books for Cottbus early on.

After the jump, stats and more stats.

Totals
Attendance – 121,917
Goals – 12
Shots – 175
Shots on Goal – 52
Fouls – 359
Corners – 55
Offsides – 45
Yellows – 33

Average/Game
Attendance – 15,240
Goals – .71
Shots – 10.29
Shots on Goal – 3.06
Fouls – 21.12
Corners – 3.23
Offsides – 2.65
Yellows – 1.94

Season High: September, although November could be considered a moral victory of sorts (at least for a team fighting relegation). September saw Bochum notch their only win of the season against fellow relegation strugglers Arminia Bielefeld. They were, in fact, one valiant comeback short of an unbeaten September (their fight against Leverkusen prematurely ended by a red for Antar Yahia in the 84th minute).

Season Low: The 4-0 drubbing at Frankfurt on December 6th is the obvious choice. Coming off the heels of a 5-0 demolition to Bremen, Frankfurt looked to be the ideal opponent for Bochum to steal 3 points from. Instead an early dismissal of GK Dani Fernandes opened the floodgates with Nikos Liberopoulos‘ brace leading the way. Another defeat followed to Cologne, keeping alive the sour taste of defeat as the team went on winter break.

Why Bochum Might Not Be Relegated: For a team battling relegation Bochum are surprisingly tough. Only in the aforementioned loss to Frankfurt did they go down by more than 2 goals. 5 of their 8 losses were by a single goal. They drew a further 8 games. Simply put, Bochum is an unlucky team. Then again, I tend to think we make our own luck. Predatory finishing would make a world of difference for a squad that’s managed to fight blow for blow with most every other club, but seems unable to land that knockout blow.

Why Bochum Will Get Relegated: Bochum is on pace to match some of Tasmania 1900 Berlin‘s records and since a team with that name hasn’t been around for several decades you know these won’t be good. Although Tasmania set the all-time benchmark for German footballing futility (their presence in the top flight a matter of politics not prowess in the first place) Bochum are on pace to match at least a few of their accomplishments. Most realistically these would be matching Tasmania for fewest wins in a season (2) and joining them as the only Bundesliga sides without an away win. In case you’re wondering why I mentioned all this, Tasmania 1900 Berlin was relegated.

After the jump, stats and more stats.
Totals
Attendance – 221,040
Goals – 19
Shots – 233
Shots on Goal – 85
Fouls – 368
Corners – 113
Offsides – 44
Yellows – 45

Average/Game
Attendance – 24,560
Goals – 1.18
Shots – 13.71
Shots on Goal – 5
Fouls – 21.65
Corners – 6.65
Offsides – 2.59
Yellows – 2.65

Except for promising goalkeeper Logan Bailly, acquired from KRC Genk, Dülp is apprehensive about the other three defensive acquisitions. Dante‘s form has been inconsistent between the French and Belgian leagues, and as the author points out, the Bundesliga is a different animal entirely. Paul Stalteri, although a regular for the Canadian national team, lacked the pace and technique to cut it in the EPL. Finally Tomas Galasek, former Czech national team captain and Nuremberg player (2006-08), is, frankly, over the hill. Although Dülp’s focuses more on how his performances in the Czech league for Baník Ostrava may have inflated his perceived worth.

The rest of the post is dedicated to the increasing emotional distance he sees emerging between himself and the club. I won’t bother butchering that. If you’re truly interested, although it doesn’t look too nice translated by an algorithm, here’s a link to the google-fied English version.

Season High: It all started off so well with an 8-1 drubbing of Bielefeld. Unfortunately it was VfB Fichte Bielefeld, not Arminia and took place in the first round of the DFB-Pokal (when amateur teams are traditionally led to the slaughter). Gladbach’s subsequent 0-3 defeat to Cottbus in that competition was much more indicative of the season to come.

Season Low: That 0-3 defeat came during the absolutely horrid stretch of September. 11 goals in 4 games, of which Gladbach scored one. Let’s not slight December, however, another (shortened) winless month.

Why Gladbach Might Not Be Relegated: Parity, Parity Parity. The Bundesliga’s well-known penchant for equality extends beyond the logjam at the top of the table. Only 3 points and a bit of goal differential separate 15th from 18th. Their coach, Hans Meyer, is well-known for his ability to repeatedly turn around hopeless cases–this is a prime opportunity to reaffirm that reputation. Furthermore, the club has brought in a number of players with the intent on strengthening their leaky rearguard. It may not sound like much of a positive, but Gladbach’s position can only improve.

Why Gladbach Will Be Relegated: Then again, it’s hard to dismiss the first half of the season as a short-term trend. Their generosity in defense is befitting a town founded around an abbey. But in the profane world of football these virtues go unrewarded. In fact, they’re punished, but let the Philistines have their goals.

After the jump, stats and more stats.

Totals
Attendance – 419,861
Goals – 18
Shots – 205
Shots on Goal – 67
Fouls – 372
Corners – 82
Offsides – 57
Yellows – 40

Average/Game
Attendance – 46,651
Goals – 1.06
Shots – 12.06
Shots on Goal – 3.94
Fouls – 21.88
Corners – 4.82
Offsides – 3.35
Yellows – 2.35

This seemingly inscrutable graphic actually details how my preseason picks (scroll down to the comments) have turned out thus far. We’ve reached the winter break in the Bundesliga and things haven’t quite turned out as I expected. Those of you kind enough to point out that there’s still a lot of football left to be played, I appreciate the thought. But there’s no getting around the fact that I drastically underestimated the top third of the table. Hoffenheim and Hertha are my two worst offenders, underestimating them by 15 and 10 spots respectively. My one shining bit of spot-on prognostication was tabbing Bochum at 17th.

Over the next few weeks I’ll do my best to bring you up to speed with a mid-season review of every squad, finishing just in time for the league’s resumption on January 30th. I’ll begin with Borussia Mönchengladbach and work my way up the table. Along the way I also will hazard a guess as to every side’s final table position. although as you’ve seen it’s certainly a shot in the dark.

You can look at the rest of them here.

4 – Times I’ve inadvertently clicked on a link about a “WM” (Weltmeisterschaft – any world championship, really, but also the World Cup) only to discover, yet again, that it’s chess. And while it’s the third largest sporting event this year, host Germany has no shot or so I’ve read. Just be glad I haven’t mixed up my Chess Bundesliga with, well, our Bundesliga: “Arsenal snap up young Norwegian attacking starlet Magnus Carlsen from Bundesliga-leading OSG Baden-Baden.” Oh dear.

7 – Players suspended for the next matchday. Robert Tesche, Jiri Stajner, Robert Kovac and Mesut Özil all will begin 3 game suspensions for red cards. Nico Herzig, Patrick Ochs, and Hanno Balitsch have accumulated 5 yellows which entitles them to a one game vacation.

9 – Points Franck Ribery has directly earned for Bayern from 3 Game-winning goals since returning to the starting lineup against Bochum on October 4th. Including the game against Schalke, he’s been directly responsible for wins against Bielefeld (with the decisive second goal, Podolski’s effort later on just beautified the scoreline) and Frankfurt. They’ve won 16 of 18 possible points with Ribery back from injury and shot up the table to a respectable position.

13 – Goals that Hoffenheim’s Ibisevic scored this season, even after drawing a blank in 1-0 defeat to Hertha on Sunday. What’s so impressive about that? Beyond the 13:12 goals-to-games ratio, it’s where he’d rank among the top goalscorers of seasons past. After about a third of the season, here’s where he’d finish among the last 10 season’s final goalscorers table:

07/08 – 6th
06/07 – 9th
05/06 – 8th
04/05 – 10th
03/04 – 10th
02/03 – 10th
01/02 – 8th
00/01 – 8th
99/00 – 5th
98/99 – 5th

45 – Minutes that Köln wishes games would last. If they only played the first half, they’d be sitting pretty in 2nd place. Cottbus, though, would stand to gain even more. They’d move all the way up to 7th! A game of two halves indeed…

47 – Hoffenheim’s current position on the Bundesliga’s eternal table. Barring a complete meltdown they’ll almost certainly finish highest among one-season participants. They’ll almost certainly top a few two-season teams as well. The question is, where will they end? It’s highly improbable, but not impossible, that they could pull ahead of SpVgg Unterhaching or Stuttgarter Kickers who have 79 and 77 points all-time in the Bundesliga. Assuming they manage this feat they’d have moved up 10 spots and 20% of the table in one season.

398 – Minutes that Leverkusen went without conceding a goal until Antonio da Silva’s 37th minute strike on Saturday. Not only was this his first league goal of the campaign, but it marks the first time in more than a month that Rene Adler has had to fish the ball out of his own net (although he got more practice on the day). In fact, Leverkusen were only a few moments away from not conceding a goal the entire month of October. Only Voronin, with an 89th minute game-winner back on the 4th, infiltrated an otherwise vigilant Leverkusen rearguard.

—

Has it really been that long since I’ve posted? Well, for that I apologize. But living in Washington, DC around election time is both exciting and hectic. This isn’t my first election in the city, but it is the most enthusiastically received one I’ve seen here. It’s easy to get caught up in things.

5 – Difference in points between 1st (Hamburg) and 11th (Bayern).

6 – Number of goalscorers Hamburg and Werder Bremen have in the top 12 (ie, those who have scored at least 4 or more goals this season)

10 – The number of yellows Bayern have as a team, the fewest in the league. This is the only good table that Bayern currently top in the Bundesliga. I can think of a few bad ones that they’d rank right near the top of, however.

11 – Goals Bayern have allowed at home so far this season (3 more than the two next closest teams, Bielefeld and Gladbach and 9(!) more than they’ve given up on the road)

19 – Goals that Bremen have surrendered so far this season. 7 of those came against teams currently ranked beneath them (11th or lower) in the table.

27 – Games that Claudio Pizarro appeared in last season for Chelsea, scoring two goals in the process. Pizarro scored twice in 3 minutes against Dortmund and raised his 10-game season total to 7.

58 – Seconds it took for Timo Konietzka of Dortmund to score his first Bundesliga goal in an eventual 3:2 triumph over Bremen on August 24th, 1963. It also happened to be the league’s first goal.

59 – Minutes it took for Dortmund’s Alexander Frei to score the first of six goals over the next half hour plus in the 2008 encounter between these two teams that ended in a 3-all draw.

99.75 and 104.5 – Goals that Hoffenheim and Bremen, respectively, will end the season with if they continue at their current pace. The only team to have actually scored more than 100 goals in a season was Bayern during the 1971/72 campaign.

The reasoning behind the move? According to DFL president Reinhard Rauball questions regarding a possible increase in the 1. and 2. Bundesliga must be examined and addressed first. The plans for the revamped competition currently have all 36 members compete, but if the leagues were to expand to 20 teams apiece that would naturally alter things (the Ligapokal being just one of them). This likely wouldn’t happen until the 2012/2013 season, when the current TV rights deal (in German/in googlefied English) expires. In the meantime there’ll be a feasibility study to examine the possible increase, which will last God knows how long.

The question is, will the Ligapokal return in 2010? In 2013? Ever?

* The Deutsche Fussball-Liga, operator of Germany’s professional leagues and not to be confused with the DFB (Deutscher Fussball-Bund), otherwise known as the German FA. It doesn’t help that until 2004 the Ligapokal was known as the DFB-Ligapokal, which makes keeping the two acronyms separate and distinct that much harder.

That’s the vexing question for the fan of any team, club or country, that plays during midweek. While the unobtrusive scarf is the safest and usually stylish bet it’s not quite cold enough yet for that option. In the limited world of soccer clothing that really only leaves the jersey or kit.  For me that means my trusty Philipp Lahm #16 from the ’06 World Cup. Unfortunately, while my work’s dress code is fairly liberal they still frown on wearing a jersey in the office (whether that’s a company-wide anti-jersey or anti-Lahm policy was never made clear).

Thankfully, I found a happy medium in the form of an Objectivo Germany-themed shirt from Soccerpro. This vintage-style shirt features a large, faded black and red eagle styled after the country’s coat of arms. Unlike a shirt sporting a flag or Germany/Deutschland in script the understated design works in almost any situation. The shirt is light and breathable because it’s made from 100% cotton. Those are the pluses. One thing to note, however, is that while the neck and chest measurements are normal it seems as though the shirt’s extra long, comparable to at least a size larger than what you’d expect. That’s great if you’re tall (like me) and somewhat unfortunate if you’re not (like, well, Philipp Lahm).

Those who aren’t familiar with the German eagle will still appreciate the look and their comments are the perfect opportunity to tell them of your passionate support. Personally, I wore it underneath a grey herringbone sports coat with jeans and couldn’t have felt or looked better. Oh, and don’t worry, Soccerpro has plenty of other Objectivo and casual soccer shirts (even Wales!) incase Germany isn’t for you.

It appeared inevitable and now it’s been confirmed as Borussia Möchengladbach fired trainer Jos Luhukay today in their wake of their defeat to Köln (and their fourth straight). After seven games, six of which they’ve lost, Gladbach sit at the bottom of the table with only three points. The team was perhaps too ambitious in seeking not only to avoid relegation but to secure a mid-table position this year. Unfortunately their leaky defense has allowed 15 goals (second only to Bremen, who doesn’t play defense) and their offensive fared little better ranking third worst behind fellow relegation-battlers Cottbus and Frankfurt.

“The club’s management and leadership discussed the situation at length last night and today. We came to the conclusion that we’re going to continue without Jos Luhukay,” according to President Rolf Königs. “Jos Luhukay is the trainer who got us promoted and for that we thank and respect him. We value him personally and professionally, but despite this the current sporting situation necessitated a separation.”

“We’re looking starting now for a new trainer, who’ll fit with the club and the team, but we’re going to do this calmly and carefully. There won’t be a hasty decision made, so I’ve agreed to train the team for the time being,” according to former player and current director of football, Christian Ziege. From June 2006 until taking his current director of football role in March 2007 Ziege led Gladbach’s U-17 juniors. This, however, is his first time in charge of first-team players.

Was this the wrong move and shoud Luhukay been given more time? Is Ziege the man for the job full-time? If not, who should Gladbach’s management turn to in order to reverse their dismal season?

In 1999/2000 Wolfsburg went down 2-7
In 2001/2002 Hamburg were shutout 0-4
In 2003/2004 Hannover scored only a single consolation goal in their 1-5 defeat
In 2006/2007 Both Frankfurt (2-6) and Bochum (0-6) conceded six to Bremen

See, Jürgen, it could be worse. Wait, what’s that? Bayern had lost only 9 times at home to domestic opposition over the last 10 years? And then not by more than two goals in any of those defeats? Bremen have now defeated Bayern 4 times (with 3 draws) in Munich since the 1998/1999 season. As you might imagine, that’s best record against the Reds in the league.

So, how far back must one go to discover a display of comparable ineptitude by Bayern at home? Set the radio on your time machine to the Bee Gees and Donna Summer we’re off to the 70s. Back to the 1978/1979 season where, in anticipation of Disco Demolition Night later that summer, Bayern were, well, themselves demolished  4-0 on an inglorious March afternoon at the Olympiastadion. It would not be unreasonable to assume this drubbing came at the hands of Hamburg, the eventual champions, and home to European Footballer of the Year Kevin Keegan. Not quite. Actually it was Arminia Bielefeld (!), relegated at season’s end, who came away with three points and four goals that day.

So Jürgen, I warned you earlier this summer that the Bayern board doesn’t look kindly upon failure. So while it may still be early in the season, a historic loss like this doesn’t bode well for the rest of the campaign. You’ve got the personnel in the squad to seriously challenge for the title. Either revamp your “tactics” or use part of your large paycheck to outsource the coaching aspect of your job. Otherwise results like this will no longer be considered anomalous, but routine. And that’s bad for your managerial health.

We are here not to castigate but to celebrate these masters of misconduct, ballerinas of bookings, pashas of poorly-timed tackles,

[ed. note: This continues on for quite awhile with plenty of mixed metaphors and the odd off-color Madonna reference. In the interest of time, we resume now at the end]

great gurus of gratuitous violence.

Whew. Yes, it’s the return of the coveted Stefan “111 Yellow Cards in only 370 Bundesliga Games” Effenberg Memorial Trophy!

3. Manuel Friedrich/Christian Fuchs, Leverkusen/Bochum, 4pts.
While these two have done enough to separate themselves from the throng of 3 yellow carders behind them, they haven’t done enough otherwise. There’s not enough to go on this early in the season to allow me to really choose one over the other. Both had a single yellow before earning an early shower with two more yellows in a second game. At the moment they’re just placeholders on the podium, at least until things clear up. The two players ahead of them, however, have rightly earned their positions.

2. Mark van Bommel, Bayern, 4 pts.

1. Fabian Ernst, Schalke, 6 pts.

Don’t be surprised to see the next edition of The Bundesliga’s Most Booked headed by someone who’s quietly been collecting a yellow every game or so. Consistent indiscipline is the ultimate key to success.

Penalties
Total – 5
Season Total – 13
Season High – 5 (Week 3, Week 4)
Average/Game – .63
Season Average/Game – .37
Most/Game – 2 (Dortmund vs. Schalke, Hannover vs. Gladbach)
Made – 3
Season Made – 10
Season Average Made – .77
Missed – 2
Season Missed – 3
Season Average Missed – .23

Shots
Total – 218
Season Total – 886
Season High – 252 (Week 3)
Season Low- 201 (Week 2)
Average/Game – 27.25
Season Average/Game – 25.31
Most/Team – 25 (Bremen)
Season Most/Team – 27 (Hertha, Week 2)
Season Team Total High – 82 (Bremen)
Fewest/Team – 6 (Cottbus)
Season Fewest/Team – 4 (Köln, Week 1)
Season Team Total Low – 29 (Köln, yep still worse than KSC or Frankfurt)
Most Accurate – 5:15, 33% (Hannover)
Season Most Accurate – 2:5, 40% (Hertha, Week 1)
Least Accurate – 0:18, 0% (Hoffenheim)
Season Least Accurate – 0:14, 0% (Hoffenheim, Week 4)
Season Total Most Accurate – 11:61, 18% (Hamburg) – Barely edging out Leverkusen’s 11/62, which rounds up to 18% (18.0 vs 17.7)
Season Total Least Accurate – 0:39, 0% (Cottbus) – 109 goals and not one for Cottbus?

Shots on Goal
Total – 73
Season Total – 322
Season High – 92 (Week 3)
Season Low- 73 (Week 4)
Average/Game – 9.13
Season Average/Game – 9.2
Most/Team – 8 (Bremen)
Season Most/Team – 14 (Bremen, Week 3)
Season Team Total High – 34 (Bremen)
Fewest/Team – 2 (Köln, Leverkusen, Cottbus, Bielefeld)
Season Team Total Low – 8 (Cottbus)
Best Goals to Shots on Goal – 2:2, 100% (Leverkusen)
Season Best Goals to Shots on Goal – 2:2, 100% (Leverkusen, Week 4)
Worst Goals to Shots on Goal (scoring at least once) – 1:5, 20% (Gladbach)
Season Worst Goals to Shots on Goal (scoring at least once) – 1:10, 10% (Hoffenheim, Week 2)

Fouls
Total – 295
Season Total – 1279
Season High – 332 (Week 2)
Season Low – 295 (Week 4)
Average/Game – 36.88
Season Average/Game – 36.54
Most/Team – 31 (Cottbus)
Season Most/Team – 32 (Hoffenheim, Week 1)
Season Team Total High – 93 (Bochum)
Fewest/Team – 11 (Hamburg)
Season Fewest/Team – 7 (Frankfurt, Week 1)
Season Team Total Low – 46 (Frankfurt, at least for now…)

Corners
Total – 75
Season Total – 342
Season High – 98 (Week 2)
Season Low – 75 (Week 4)
Average/Game – 9.38
Season Average/Game – 9.77
Most/Team – 13 (Hamburg)
Season Most/Team – 14 (Bayern, Week 2)
Season Team Total High – 32 (Bayern)
Fewest/Team – 0 (Schalke)
Season Team Total Low – 10 (Cottbus, KSC)

Offsides
Total – 50
Season Total – 220
Season High – 63 (Week 1)
Season Low – 50 (Week 4)
Average/Game – 6.25
Season Average/Game – 6.29
Most/Team – 7 (Hertha)
Season Most/Team – 7 (Gladbach, Köln Week 1; Hertha, Week 4)
Season Team Total High – 22 (Gladbach)
Fewest/Team – 0 (Hannover, Schalke)
Season Team Total Low – 6 (KSC)

Yellows
Total – 29
Season Total – 134
Season High – 45 (Week 2)
Season Low – 25 (Week 3)
Average/Game – 3.63
Season Average/Game – 3.83
Season High Average/Game – 5.00 (Week 2)
Season Low Average/Game – 2.78 (Week 3)
Most/Game – 8 (Hoffenheim vs. Stuttgart)
Season Most/Game – 8 (Hoffenheim vs. Stuttgart, Week 4)
Fewest/Game – 1 (Köln vs. Bayern)
Most/Team – 4 (Gladbach, Hoffenheim, Stuttgart)
Season Most/Team – 5 (Wolfsburg, Week 2)
Season Team Total High – 13 (Gladbach)
Fewest/Team – 0 (Bayern, Bielefeld, Bremen, Wolfsburg)
Season Team Total Low – 3 (Schalke)

Yellow Reds (Two Yellows in One Game)
Total – 2
Season Total – 5
Season High – 2 (Week 2, Week 4)
Season Low – 0 (Week 1)
Average/Game – .25
Season Average/Game – .14

Bonus Stats – Madonna Edition:
Total Games Postponed – 1
Season Total Games Postponed – 1
Season Total High – 1 (Week 4)
Season Total Low – 0 (Really? I’m sure you can think of at least one week that a Madonna concert didn’t leave a pitch in an unplayable condition)
Average/Game – .13
Season Average/Game – .03

On a scale of 1-10 how bitter I am about this: 4
Any particular reason: Not really.
Prediction had Madonna not intervened: 1-1 with two dozen shots and 3 yellows between KSC and Frankfurt.
Predicted accuracy of prediction: 70%

As you may know former longtime Germany and Bayern no. 1 Oliver Kahn had his testimonial exactly a week ago in Munich. The match, between Bayern and Germany, ended 1-1, but the score was less important than the man honored that night. His accomplishments are legion and well-known, including, perhaps most impressively, being the only goalkeeper to win the FIFA World Cup Golden Ball.

To commemorate his career Adidas released this video to coincide with that match. It is featured as part of its “Impossible is Nothing” series , but is produced in a much more serious tone (in keeping with Kahn’s character) than other “Impossible is Nothing” commercials. Nothing particularly new or shocking is revealed, it’s just a well-made tribute to one of the all-time greats.

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For those of you not conversant in German (I imagine that’s why you’re here in the first place and not reading some fine piece of excellent sports journalism auf deutsch) I’ve provided a little transcript to go along with the video. So, in the words of the man himself:

I didn’t actually approach the ball the first time with my feet, but instead I picked it up right away. Yeah, something could come of me and the ball. Talent is a gift you’re given in life, but it’s useless if you’re not willing, in spite of everything, to work hard.

[Milan on May 23, 2001, the Champions League final. A penalty shootout is needed to settle the 1-1 stalemate. Amedeo Carboni, Valencia’s Italian left fullback, has the opportunity to put Valencia ahead 3-2…]

Kaaaahn! It’s not in! Unbelievable!

Becoming the national team goalkeeper was a marathon task for me. I only became the regular keeper in goal for the German national team at age 28 and by then others already quit playing soccer. I’ve always needed a long, long time in order to reach my goals. Success is what’s important to me. And for me that counts even more than, and I’ll say this in quotes, to be “sympathetic” or “immortal” or to be “the tragic hero”.

It was a long, long path and I always needed lots of perseverance. But that’s just how we are. Being a goalkeeper naturally also implies a bit of craziness.

What do you think, will Schalke be able to draw or defeat their rivals Dortmund this week with an untested 19-year old in goal?

Goals
Total – 33 goals
Season Total – 80
Season High – 33 (Week 3)
Season Low – 18 (Week 2)
Average/Game – 3.67
Season Average/Game – 2.96
Season High Average/Game – 3.67 (Week 3)
Season Low Average/Game – 2.00 (Week 2)
Most/Game – 7 (Leverkusen vs. Hoffenheim)
Season Most/Game – 7 (Leverkusen vs. Hoffenheim, Week 3)
Fewest/Game – 1 (Schalke vs. Bochum, Cottbus vs Dortmund)

Penalties
Total – 5
Season Total – 8
Season High – 5 (Week 3)
Average/Game – .56
Season Average/Game – .30
Most/Game – 2 (Bayern vs. Hertha)
Season Most/Game – 2 (Bayern vs. HSV, Week 1; Bayern vs. Hertha, Week 3)
Made – 5
Season Made – 7
Season Average Made – .88
Missed – 0
Season Missed – 1 (Roda Antar – Köln, Week 2)
Season Average Missed – .13

Shots
Total – 252
Season Total – 668
Season High – 252 (Week 3)
Season Low- 201 (Week 2)
Average/Game – 28
Season Average/Game – 24.74
Most/Team – 25 (Bremen)
Season Most/Team – 27 (Hertha, Week 2)
Season Team Total High – 57 (Bremen)
Fewest/Team – 9 (Hertha)
Season Fewest/Team – 4 (Köln, Week 1)
Season Team Total Low – 21 (Köln)
Most Accurate – 5:16, 31% (Leverkusen)
Season Most Accurate – 2:5, 40% (Hertha, Week 1)
Least Accurate – 0:13, 0% (Cottbus)
Season Least Accurate – 0:14, 0% (Cottbus, Week 1)
Season Total Most Accurate – 8:44, 18% (Hamburg) – Barely edging out Leverkusen’s 9/51, which rounds up to 18% (18.2 vs 17.6)
Season Total Least Accurate – 0:36, 0% (Hannover) – Honorable mention to Cottbus for its also-but-not-quite 0:33 strike ratio.

Shots on Goal
Total – 92
Season Total – 249
Season High – 92 (Week 3)
Season Low- 78 (Week 2)
Average/Game – 10.22
Season Average/Game – 9.22
Most/Team – 14 (Bremen)
Season Most/Team – 14 (Bremen, Week 3)
Season Team Total High – 26 (Bremen)
Fewest/Team – 1 (Cottbus)
Season Team Total Low – 6 (Bochum, Cottbus, Frankfurt)
Best Goals to Shots on Goal – 4:5, 80% (Hamburg)
Season Best Goals to Shots on Goal – 1:1, 100% (Frankfurt, Week 2)
Worst Goals to Shots on Goal (scoring at least once) – 2:14, 14% (Bremen)
Season Worst Goals to Shots on Goal (scoring at least once) – 1:10, 10% (Hoffenheim, Week 2)

Fouls
Total – 327
Season Total – 984
Season High – 332 (Week 2)
Season Low – 325 (Week 1)
Average/Game – 36.33
Season Average/Game – 36.44
Most/Team – 28 (Wolfsburg)
Season Most/Team – 32 (Hoffenheim)
Season Team Total High – 71 (Bochum, Hoffenheim)
Fewest/Team – 11 (Schalke)
Season Fewest/Team – 7 (Frankfurt, Week 1)
Season Team Total Low – 38 (Stuttgart)

Corners
Total – 98
Season Total – 267
Season High – 98 (Week 2)
Season Low – 76 (Week 1)
Average/Game – 10.33
Season Average/Game – 9.88
Most/Team – 11 (Bayern)
Season Most/Team – 14 (Bayern, Week 2)
Season Team Total High – 27 (Bayern)
Fewest/Team – 1 (Hertha)
Season Team Total Low – 8 (Cottbus, Köln)

Offsides
Total – 54
Season Total – 170
Season High – 63 (Week 1)
Season Low – 53 (Week 2)
Average/Game – 6.00
Season Average/Game – 6.30
Most/Team – 6 (Bochum, Cottbus)
Season Most/Team – 7 (Gladbach, Köln; Week 1)
Season Team Total High – 16 (Gladbach)
Fewest/Team – 0 (Bochum, Cottbus, Hamburg)
Season Team Total Low – 5 (Hertha)

Yellows
Total – 25
Season Total – 105
Season High – 45 (Week 2)
Season Low – 25 (Week 3)
Average/Game – 2.78
Season Average/Game – 3.89
Season High Average/Game – 5.00 (Week 2)
Season Low Average/Game – 2.78 (Week 3)
Most/Game – 6 (Gladbach vs. Bremen)
Season Most/Game – 7 (Hannover vs. Cottbus, Bochum vs. Wolfsburg; Week 2)
Fewest/Game – 1 (Karlsruhe vs. Köln, Schalke vs. Bochum)
Most/Team – 4 (Bremen)
Season Most/Team – 5 (Wolfsburg, Week 2)
Season Team Total High – 9 (Gladbach)
Fewest/Team – 0 (Bayern, Köln, Leverkusen, Schalke)
Season Team Total Low – 2 (Schalke)

That being said the move is, in my estimation, an odd one. While Bayern acquired a World Cup- and Champions League-winning defender, they replaced a 22-year old starlet with a player 10 years his senior. This is clearly not a long-term solution and begs the question, “What is the solution?” or rather, more specifically, “What is Christian Lell to do?” Is this move designed to give Lell another year to develop? Or is he destined to be an eternal backup (formerly to Sagnol now to Oddo), at least until he leaves Munich?

“With Marcell Jansen as well as the transfer of Alex Silva,”
Hamburg CEO Bernd Hoffmann said, “we’re proceeding with signing highly ambitious players with great potential. Marcell has proven his international quality and will markedly improve us.”

Sports director Dietmar Beiersdorfer added, “This is a carefully planned transfer. We intensely followed Marcell even before his switch to Bayern München. He is very versatile on the left side and we expect him to stimulate our wing play.”

Martin Jol’s revamp of Hamburg continues. Jansen looks set to take Timothee Atouba’s place, who, according to rumors is on his way out. Celtic had registered some interest in Cameroonian left back over the summer, although these reports are, as of now, still unsubstantiated.

Attendance
Total – 366,891
Season Total – 708, 591
Season High – 366,891 (Week 2)
Season Low – 341,700 (Week 1)
Average/Game – 40,766
Season Average/Game – 39, 3666
Season High Average/Game – 40,766 (Week 2)
Season Low Average/Game – 37,967 (Week 1)
Highest – 80,552 (Dortmund vs. Bayern)
Lowest – 17,000 (Bochum vs. Wolfsburg)

Goals
Total – 18 goals
Season Total – 47
Season High – 29 (Week 1)
Season Low – 18 (Week 2)
Average/Game – 2
Season Average/Game – 2.61
Season High Average/Game – 3.22 (Week 1)
Season Low Average/Game – 2.00 (Week 2)
Most/Game – 4 (Bochum vs. Wolfsburg)
Season Most/Game – 5 (Leverkusen vs. Dortmund, Week 1)
Fewest/Game – 0 (Hannover vs. Cottbus)

Penalties
Total – 1
Season Total – 3
Average/Game – .11
Season Average/Game – .17
Most/Game – 2 (Bayern vs. Hamburg, Week 1)
Made – 0
Season Made – 2
Season Average Made – .67
Missed – 1 (Roda Antar 39′, Köln)
Season Missed – 1
Season Average Missed – .33

Shots
Total – 201
Season Total – 416
Season High – 215 (Week 1)
Season Low- 201 (Week 2)
Average/Game – 22.33
Season Average/Game – 23.11
Most/Team – 27 (Hertha)
Season Most/Team – 27 (Hertha, Week 2)
Season Team Total High – 42 (Hoffenheim)
Fewest/Team – 6 (Cottbus, Bielefeld)
Season Fewest/Team – 4 (Köln vs. Wolfsburg, Week 1)
Season Team Total Low – 11 (Köln)

Corners
Total – 98
Season Total – 177
Season High – 98 (Week 2)
Season Low – 63 (Week 1)
Average/Game – 10.89
Season Average/Game – 9.83
Most/Team – 14 (Bayern)
Season Most/Team – 14 (Bayern, Week 2)
Season Team Total High – 16 (Bayern, Wolfsburg)
Fewest/Team – 0 (Köln)
Season Team Total Low – 3 (Köln)

Offsides
Total – 53
Season Total – 117
Season High – 64 (Week 2)
Season Low – 53 (Week 1)
Average/Game – 5.00
Season Average/Game – 6.5
Most/Team – 6 (Bochum, Cottbus)
Season Team Total High – 11 (Bochum, Gladbach)
Fewest/Team – 0 (Bayern)
Season Team Total Low – 3 (Hoffenheim, Karlsruhe)

Yellow Cards
Total – 45
Season Total – 80
Season High – 45 (Week 2)
Season Low – 35 (Week 1)
Average/Game – 5
Season Average/Game – 4.44
Season High Average/Game – 5.00 (Week 2)
Season Low Average/Game – 3.89 (Week 1)
Most/Game – 7 (Hannover vs. Cottbus, Bochum vs. Wolfsburg)
Season Most/Game – 7 (Hannover vs. Cottbus, Bochum vs. Wolfsburg; Week 2)
Fewest/Game – 1 (Bremen vs. Schalke)
Most/Team – 5 (Wolfsburg)
Season Most/Team – 5 (Wolfsburg, Week 2)
Season Team Total High – 7 (Gladbach, Leverkusen)
Fewest/Team – 0 (Bremen)
Season Team Total Low – 2 (Bremen, Hertha, Schalke)

Red Cards
Total – 2
Season Total – 2
Season High – 2 (Week 2)
Season Low – 0 (Week 1)
Average/Game – .22
Season Average/Game – .11
Season High Average/Game – .22 (Week 2)
Season Low Average/Game – 0.0 (Week 1)

Attendance
Total – 341,700
Average/Game – 37,967
Highest – 69,000 (Bayern vs. Hamburg)
Lowest – 19,000 (Cottbus vs. Hoffenheim)

Goals
Total – 29
Average/Game – 3.22
Most/Game – 5 (Leverkusen vs. Dortmund)
Fewest/Game – 1 (Karlsruhe vs. Bochum)

Yellow Cards
Total – 35
Average/Game – 3.89
Most/Game – 6 (Karlsruhe vs. Bochum)
Fewest/Game – 1 (Frankfurt vs. Hertha)
Most/Team – 4 (Bochum, Hamburg)
Fewest/Team – 0 (Frankfurt, Wolfsburg)

Red Cards
No Red Cards Awarded

Corners
Total – 79
Average/Game – 8.78
Most/Team – 11 (Frankfurt)
Fewest/Team – 1 (Karlsruhe)

Offsides
Total – 64
Average/Game – 7.11
Most/Team – 7 (Köln, Gladbach)
Fewest/Team – 1 (Dortmund)

In his near 20-year long playing career he traveled the breadth of Germany from Kaiserslautern to Cologne (Köln) to Karlsruhe (and some cities not beginning with K, too). From 1991 to 1994 he played for Bayern München, making him the third manager profiled (alongside Klinsmann and Jol) to have played for the Bavarian giants. Interestingly enough he is the only player to have scored at least 100 goals in both the 1. (104) and 2. (101) Bundesliga.  That’s quite an achievement for one’s resume, so immediately after hanging up his boots in 2003 he was hired as a manager.

He made his debut on the sidelines of SV Darmstadt 98, in the same stadium where he made his professional debut in 1984. He performed well enough in his three seasons with die Lillien (the lilies) to be offered a position with die Kleeblätter (the cloverleaves) of SpVgg Greuther Fürth, a step up in both footballing and taxonomic class. In his one year at Fürth Labbadia did little to upset the delicate equilibrium in place, keeping the club in its vexing “almost, but not quite promoted” table position (placing 6th last year and 5th the previous three). Not prepared to take part in the Germany’s most-played rivalry (the Frankenderby) with the relegation of 1. FC Nürnberg last season, Labbadia instead became Bayer Leverkusen’s 24th manager. He enters a fairly stable environment at the BayArena, although questions about the team’s strikers must be addressed before the team can seriously consider its first Bundesliga championship.

Dimitar Berbatov was the team’s last out and out striker, scoring 57 goals his last three years at the club. His move to Tottenham for 16 million Euros in 2006 left a void that has yet to be adequately filled. No Leverkusen striker remaining inspires much confidence. Patrick Helmes and Richard Sukuta-Pasu are still inexperienced, although Helmes did well in the 2. Bundesliga with Cologne and Sukuta-Pasu had an excellent UEFA U-19 tournament. The rest: Theofanis Gekas, Stefan Kiessling, Dmitri Bulykin are all older, but also relative newcomers to the club. None has stepped forward to take over Berbatov’s mantle. That is rather important because…

Leverkusen are consistent European competitors, except for the occasional unexpected blip caused by a marked decline in offensive output. If the trend holds (though there’s no reason to actually call it a trend) Leverkusen’s due for a fall soon. Each of the previous dismal seasons (1995/96 and 2002/03) were marked by lackluster offensive showings of 37 and 47 goals respectively. In all other seasons going back to 1990/91 Leverkusen have scored at least 50 goals and have placed no worse than 7th. The previous two seasons they’ve managed to scrape by with low topscorers, but that can’t last. Bernd Schneider can’t continue to provide goals and inspiration from the midfield at his age (he turns 35 this November). Labbadia must either find a true predator on the transfer market or hope that he is able to mold one of his current players into one, otherwise things look grim.

—

While this brings an end to the series itself there is one bonus tidbit as promised last week: a brief look at managerial changes in the Bundesliga over the years. Every 2008/09 Bundesliga club is listed except for Cottbus and Hoffenheim. Cottbus, as a former GDR side, and Hoffenheim, with their meteoric rise, would skew the numbers (also, it was impossible to find the information for either covering the 45-year time period).

Bundesliga-era number of coaches (teams with new trainers in bold)*:

Bielefeld: 42
Bayern: 20
Bochum: 18
Bremen: 25
Cologne: 37
Dortmund: 40
Frankfurt: 36
Hamburg: 26
Hannover: 45
Hertha: 33
Karlsruhe: 27
Leverkusen: 24
Mönchengladbach: 21
Schalke: 38
Stuttgart: 35
Wolfsburg: 24

Bayern’s long-term dominance skews the statistics, but a pattern is discernible. My initial, unoriginal, thought that the number of trainers is inversely related to the degree of a club’s success is mostly true. Bayern, Mönchengladbach, Bremen and Hamburg are four of the five most successful Bundesliga sides and each have had 26 or fewer gaffers. Only Stuttgart with three titles and 35 managers is the exception.

* Not all clubs may have listed caretakers

Hamburg’s website has a farewell interview available. Unfortunately it’s only in German. Just in case the club does not provide an English version of its own the interview has been (quickly) translated* below:

Hsv.de: Rafael, last night Hamburg and Real Madrid agreed to your transfer. You will sign a five-year contract with the Spanish record champions. How are you feeling right now and how happy are you that things have finally cleared up?

Van der Vaart: I’m doing well. The transfer was agreed upon late in the night. It took a long time and was uncertain for quite a while, but now everything’s cleared up. I’m happy about that, but also a bit sad. It was a nice time. As I come back here, see everything once more and have to say my goodbyes, well, that’s a strange feeling.

Hsv.de: You always stressed that your dream was to play for a club like Real Madrid. What kind of expectations do you have of Spain?

Van der Vaart: I hope that everything works out like it did with the transfer to Hamburg. You have to realize that it’s a completely different team. It’s one of the biggest clubs in the world and the fulfillment of a dream of mine. I would like to play many games and be important to the team in Madrid. That naturally depends on both my own performance and the success of the club. I’m looking forward to it.

Hsv.de: You were quite stressed the past few days. Has that now changed?

Van der Vaart: I’m still stressed. So many new things are hitting me. I’m flying to Madrid this same day, tomorrow is the medical and official unveiling. These are all nice things, but naturally I’m anxious.

Hsv.de: Over the weekend at the Emirates Cup you were able to observe your new teammates up close. Had you already had contact with them, specifically with your Dutch colleagues and have they already begun clowning around with you in London?

Van der Vaart: Naturally I spoke often about [transferring] with Wesley Sneijder, for example, but it’s something else when you meet up in the stadium. They already had some fun: come over here or go into our dressing room. But I was still a Hamburg player and so behaved like one. I knew that the clubs were in negotiations.

Hsv.de: Bernd Hoffman proved himself to be an uncomprimising negotiator. How did you experience the back and forth over the last several days?

Van der Vaart: It was exciting. It was my absolute dream and a big career goal of mine to go to Real. Hoffman, naturally and like we all know, negotiated uncompromisingly. But Hamburg also earned its money.

Hsv.de: You weren’t in the starting lineup at the Emirates Cup. Many fans were angered by this decision. Can you explain this?

Van der Vaart: It was a joint decision with the trainer [Martin Jol]. I had so much going through my mind. In that condition you aren’t able to help the team. Naturally people will ask, “why does he want to go, why to Real?” But anyone looking in his heart [knows] it’s a dream to play for a club like that.

Hsv.de: You can look back on three wonderful and successful years at HSV. What are you going to take from this time?

Van der Vaart: It was, without question, a super time. It was the best decision of my footballing career to come to Hamburg. I experienced three wonderful years, received a lot of love, enjoyed many beautiful moments. There were highs and lows, but the fans were always there, that was the best. A single look into the stadium and you know that.

Hsv.de: Your wife felt quite comfortable in Hamburg as well. In addition, your son was born here. Are they both going with you to Madrid?

Van der Vaart: They both are coming along tonight. Sylvie will come back in a few days, because she has to return to work. But they’re both moving to Madrid in order to support me.

Hsv.de: Now it’s time to say farewell. Are you leaving with mixed feelings and is there anything else that you’d like to say to the fans?

Van der Vaart: It pains me to move away as well. Especially when I think of the fans. They always supported me even during the bad times, especially during the Valencia affair. I had goosebumps every time I played here. When you leave of course it’s easy to say, “Hamburg will always stay in my heart,” but it’s honestly so and will remain that way. I think Hamburg and I will meet again, maybe as a trainer or as a player, but in any case as a fan. I can only say thanks for everything!

Hsv.de: We would also like to thank you and wish you and your family good luck in your travels.

* – I replaced HSV with Hamburg throughout and made some other minor edits.

Shared History: While everything but the teams’ names may have changed this is not the first meeting between the two in Champions League action (when it was still the European Cup). One must look back to the 1958-59 season, a year after Schalke’s 7th and most recent championship. Atletico defeated Schalke 4-1 on aggregate in the quarterfinals of the competition. Furthermore the two share a common foe in Bayern Munich. Atletico were unfortunate not to win the 1973/74 European Cup final, Georg Schwarzenbeck’s late (119′) equalizer leading to a replay and the first of Bayern’s three consecutive European Cup triumphs. Schalke’s own run-ins with Bayern have been well-documented and need not be rehashed here.

Domestic Pedigree: 9-time La Liga champions, and runners-up a further 8 more. 17-time Copa del Rey finalists (emerging victorious 9 times). They are La Liga’s third most successful club, although Real Madrid and Barcelona are in no fear of being overtaken anytime soon.

European Glory: Winners of the 1961-62 UEFA Cup Winners’ Cup and losing finalists the following season. European success has been fleeting ever since. A slight deviation saw Atletico reach the Cup Winners’ Cup final once again in 1985-1986, but lose decisively to a Oleg Blokhin-led Dynamo Kiev 3-0.

Prediction: Schalke’s a good team, at least domestically. Unfortunately Bundesliga squads in general have performed poorly in Europe over the past several years. If the talent alone were equal the psychological weight of European mediocrity would be enough to choose Atletico Madrid. There is a definite talent disparity between the two squads, decisively favoring Los Rojiblancos. Talent alone won’t win games, but it’s often the best indicator of success.

Atletico beat Schalke 04 4-2 on aggregate.

Jol will be Hamburg’s 26th gaffer in the past 45 years. While this seems like a lot it’s actually the norm for the league (as next week’s entry on Bruno Labbadia will detail). The only manager to last longer than 4 years at Hamburg? Ernst Happel. Yes, he of Ernst-Happel-Stadion fame (the stadium was named for the two time European Cup winner and not vice versa, in case you were wondering). While fans would love it if Jol could emulate Happel’s European triumphs, they’d be satisfied with replicating his domestic success. Coincidentally both Happel and Jol began their managerial careers at ADO Den Haag. Anyway, it’s been 25 years since he Happel brought home the team’s last championship. Since then they’ve been a steady, if not spectacular, club:

They own the unique distinction of being the only remaining original Bundesliga side never to have been relegated. To continue staying afloat in the Bundesliga and hopefully challenge for silverware Hamburg must first and foremost continue developing their Dutch pipeline.

Currently Hamburg employ four Dutch players in their first team: Joris Mathijsen, Nigel de Jong, Romeo Castelen, and captain Rafael van der Vaart. Chelsea-flop Khalid Boulahrouz is also a recent member of this group. Together they comprise the second-largest national contingent in the squad and arguably its most talented. Hamburg has developed in somewhat of a Dutch Portugal. Portugal, for obvious reasons, is the destination of choice for young Brazilian talent making their initial move to Europe. Those who display enough promise are then snapped up by larger clubs. A crude analogy, to be sure, but it effectively describes the situation. Like the Bundesliga at large, Hamburg in particular has evolved into a showroom for foreign talent before it moves on to more lucrative English or Mediterranean shores.

The most obvious example of this will soon be Rafael van der Vaart, who has made his feelings quite clear about leaving Hamburg over the past year. For a time the rumor was that he’d end up at the Mestalla with Valencia. Now the bids have centered around the Spanish capital, either as part of Atletico’s summer signing spree or as Real’s ersatz Ronaldo. Although his contract runs through the 2009-2010 season it is clear that he is on his way out and almost certainly to the land of his mother’s birth. Hamburg would be well-advised to sell soon rather than risk losing a hefty (approximately 15 million Euro) transfer fee thanks to the Bosman ruling.

The best way to spend the van der Vaart money would be exactly how the club has in the past, on young players. While no one has or will likely ever confuse Hamburg for Arsenal, the club have made the decision to pursue mostly young professionals (three of the four Dutch players above are 25 or younger, for instance). It seems unlikely that Jol will alter this policy, although were he to try he’d find himself dealing with a much stingier board than Tottenham’s (and he won’t have a repeat of his run-in with Spurs’ director of football Damien Comolli).

Is Jol the man to have Hamburg fans partying like it’s 1983? Is there a limit to how many Dutch players German fans can stomach in the squad? Is it only a matter of time before Hamburg, taking their cue from North London, replace Jol with Sevilla’s current coach, Manolo Jimenez?

Next Week: Bruno Labbadia at Bayer Leverkusen

Jürgen Klinsmann (Bayern München): “Our own expectation is that we will be German champions. Titles are expected at Bayern.”

Edmund Becker (Karlsruher SC): “Bayern Munich are the favorites. Schalke and Bremen could try to exert some pressure on them from behind.”

Christoph Daum (1. FC Köln): “The title goes through Bayern Munich, because they have the best personnel by far. After that probably comes Schalke and Bremen, while I’m very excited about Wolfsburg, who have invested a lot in new arrivals.”

Lucien Favre (Hertha BSC): “Bayern Munich, because they have the best squad. Schalke and Werder will try to make life hard for them.”

Michael Frontzeck (Arminia Bielefeld ): “Bayern Munich have, by a wide distance, the best squad. Six national team players sit on the bench there. Bremen, Hamburg, Wolfsburg and Schalke will be on their tail.”

Friedhelm Funkel (Eintracht Frankfurt): “Bayern Munich, because they have the strongest squad, professional management and the best prerequisites. ”

Dieter Hecking (Hannover 96): “Last year I said Schalke, this time even I’m betting on Bayern Munich. I hope, however, that their dominance isn’t so marked.”

Martin Jol (Hamburger SV): “Bayern Munich are favorites for the championship every season.”

Jürgen Klopp (Borussia Dortmund): “Bayern are always the favorites. They have the most options and the best squad. I’m really thankful that Jürgen Klinsmann introduced to the public training methods that we Bundesliga coaches have been using for years. It’s that old song: If 12 sandbags in Mainz are knocked over, no one’s interested. With the national team or at Bayern a single grain would suffice.”

Marcel Koller (VfL Bochum): “The usual suspects will be playing for the championship: Bayern Munich, Schalke 04 and Werder Bremen, maybe a surprise team as well. But Bayern are the clear favorites. They have the best quality squad.”

Bruno Labbadia (Bayer Leverkusen): “Bayern are, considering both the quality and quantity of their players, the best positioned.”

Jos Luhukay (Borussia Mönchengladbach): “Bayern München!”

Felix Magath (VfL Wolfsburg): “Bayern Munich will be champions. We want to affirm our pre-season position and reach an international competition once again.”

Bojan Prasnikar (Energie Cottbus): “My tip is Bayern Munich. They haven’t lost any key personnel and strengthened their squad. There isn’t another team in the Bundesliga with access to such a high quality, balanced squad.”

Ralf Rangnick (1899 Hoffenheim): “I think that Bayern, as usual, will get the title.”

Fred Rutten (Schalke 04): “Bayern Munich are always favorites in the Bundesliga, but Schalke have progressed well over the years and are always playing near the top. We want to do that again this year.”

Thomas Schaaf (Werder Bremen): “Bayern are once more the class of the league. But all the teams who were at the top last season have a shot again at the title.”

Armin Veh (VfB Stuttgart): “Bayern Munich are the odds-on favorites. Whoever has the biggest budget and spends the most money is favored. That’s how it is in this business.”

In the Bundesliga era (since 1963) the tie has been finely balanced. With 26 wins Dortmund currently lead Schalke by one, with 21 draws between them. Over the past four and a half decades Schalke and Dortmund have tended to alternate periods of success. Expect a shift in Schalke’s favor this upcoming season, although not as a direct result of Rutten’s appointment. The 2003/2004 season saw the two teams decisively diverge and that should continue on into the 2008/09 season. Dortmund’s position has, to put it diplomatically, nosedived. Schalke, in the meantime, have bounced between 2nd and 4th over those same four years:

To continue this run of form, the club’s best since the halcyon days of 1933-1945 (six championships under the Nazis), Schalke must contend with personnel issues. Trite but true. Three in particular stand out: the injury to Manuel Neuer, and the integration of Orlando Engelaar and Jefferson Farfan into the lineup.

Manuel Neuer – Out until Mid-September with a broken foot suffered in a preseason friendly against SpVgg Erkenschwick. Neuer stands, alongside Rene Adler and Michael Rensing, as the likeliest candidate to take over long-term goalkeeping duties for Germany after Lehmann’s international retirement. His immense potential is already being realized, having been voted goalkeeper of year in 2007 in a kicker poll. His best performance was undoubtedly his one man show against Porto in the Champions League. Mathias Schober is the natural replacement, having been Hansa Rostock’s first choice keeper the six years (2001/02 – 2006/07) prior to arriving at the Veltins-Arena. No one will confuse Schober for Lev Yashin or Sergio Goycochea when it comes time to repeat Neuer’s penalty heroics. Having Neuer back fit and healthy is like a new signing.

Orlando Engelaar – He was hugely impressive for the Netherlands over the summer at Euro ’08. His signature was a major, but understandable, coup given that Rutten was his manager at FC Twente. A relative late bloomer to fame the 28-year old’s stock has risen considerably since his international debut last year against South Korea. His preferred position is as a defensive midfielder, although his scoring touch and passing skill are more reminiscent of a deep-lying playmaker than a Dutch Makélélé or Gattuso.

Jefferson Farfan – Continuing the Dutch theme is the Peruvian Jefferson Farfan, brought to Schalke from PSV to replace the oft-injured and ineffective Søren Larsen. Farfan is looking to continue the good run of form Peruvian strikers have shown in the Bundesliga, like Claudio Pizzaro and Paolo Guerrero. Over the last four years he scored almost every other game, which bodes well for his new club.

Finally a major concern for Schalke fans must be Rutten’s coaching experience. Although he has spent three decades around football in playing and coaching capacities, his time alone in charge is actually quite meager. He was the sole gaffer of FC Twente on three separate occasions for a total of only five years before switching to Schalke 04. The rest of this time was spent in various other functions, mostly as an assistant manager. How prepared is he? PSV did well when he was there (2002-2006, Champions League semifinalists in 2004/05), but this can be attributed to Guus Hiddink, who has found success at every stop.

Like Jürgen Klopp (the two intimately linked as long as they remain with their Revierderby clubs), Rutten is being given a chance to shine on one of the brightest stages in German football. His task is comparatively easier, although the expectations may be too high. Mirko Slomka, the previous manager (ignoring the interim Michael Büskens) was the Bundesliga’s second most successful trainer behind Ottmar Hitzfeld in his two years at Schalke. Failing to advance in Europe or to end the club’s 50 year championship drought cost Slomka his job.

Will Rutten end up like Slomka as just another victim of Schalke’s neverending quest to replace Huub Stevens? He is the team’s 9th trainer since the end of the 2001/02 season and the end of Stevens’ affiliation with the club. Does Rutten have the players now in Engelaar and Farfan to finally capture the Bundesliga crown and bring peace of mind to Gelsenkirchen? Or are Schalke destined to continue being second best?

Next week: Martin Jol at Hamburg

He first appeared as a player with Mainz in 1990 and over the next decade plus he played in 325 games, becoming the club’s all-time leader in appearances by the end of his career. His (interim) managerial debut found Mainz languishing in the relegation zone of the 2nd Bundesliga in February 2001. With 19 points from his first 7 games he successfully guided the team to safety (finishing 14th) and shedded his interim tag in the process. The next two seasons found the squad just miss out on promotion in what can only be called a Schalke-esque aversion to success. Things turned out much better the next year as Mainz were promoted and, more impressively, managed to stay up for an additional two years before being relegated once more. He exercised a clause in his contract that allowed him to move on after Mainz remained in the 2. Bundesliga last year. There is no doubt that had the club been promoted he’d still be managing them now. No one doubts his ability to get teams to punch above their weight. The question is how much of an improvement will his new job will actually be. Dortmund are in dire need of rescuing before they too find themselves relegated.

It’s hard to imagine that little more than a decade ago, in 1996/97, that Dortmund were kings of Europe and the world after victories over Juventus and Cruzerio. It is difficult to find a suitable comparison to how fast they fell in Europe after victory, except for perhaps Red Star Belgrade (a result of the Yugoslav civil war, no doubt). Paradoxically, their decline is intimately intertwined with their success. Flush with optimism and the perceived need to strengthen their squad to continue challenging for honors, Dortmund spent enormous sums(by Bundesliga standards) on bringing in new players. In order to facilitate these transfers Dortmund became the first (and only) club to float itself on the stock market. The club prides itself on firsts: the first European trophy in 1966 and the first Champions League win in 1997, so the decision to be publicly listed is not out of character in a way. Yet the business model that emerged was contingent on continued European success (or at least qualification) and foundered badly when this sole condition was not met.

Dortmund’s failure in Europe would consequently affect the team’s domestic performance, beginning a cycle of failure from which it has yet to escape. Since winning the league in 2001/02, Dortmund has steadily fallen in final table every year since (3rd, 6th, 7th, 7th, 9th bottoming out at 13th last season). As success and money become scarcer wages are cut which in turn provides another incentive for those players dissatisfied with the team’s performances to leave. Most Dortmund fans are unwillingly to accept their team’s current predicament and hunger for a return to glory. Yet over their 37 seasons in the Bundesliga, Dortmund’s average final table position is only 7th. The success of the 90s that the club and its fans seek to return to is, historically, an aberration. But as Jürgen Klopp showed with Mainz he can get a team to play above themselves, which is exactly what Dortmund need right now to begin challenging Bayern for league hegemony once more.

What do you think? Will Jürgen Klopp’s managerial acumen be enough turn around Dortmund’s fortunes? Or will structural deficiencies be too much to overcome before either Klopp or club become dissatisfied with the other?

Next week: Fred Rutten at Schalke 04

Klinsmann’s story is actually a familiar one, stop me if you’ve heard it before. Things began with a stellar striking career that included stops in Germany and England. Eventually the national team came calling, which meant leading the squad at a major international tournament in Europe. Regardless of where he’s been, either in front of the goal or in front of the bench, goals have rarely been scarce. The much lauded swashbuckling style was often criticized as an example of tactical naïveté rather than strategic brilliance. Enough is enough. The parallels between Kevin Keegan and Jürgen Klinsmann are obvious (and ominous some Bayern München fans might say). Any attempt at predicting Klinsmann success with Bayern based on Keegan would be spurious at best. Klinsmann is in a much better position relative to his Geordie twin. But even before the season begins there are a number of challenges, some immediate, others long-term, that must be addressed:

•Underused Want-aways. Given both their excellent run of form at Euro ’08 and their regular exclusion from the Bayern first team, it is no surprise that Schweinsteiger and Podolski (in particular) have sought out lucrative opportunities for playing time elsewhere. As coach of the national team Klinsmann relied heavily on them, so the two should no doubt find themselves more appreciated than under outgoing trainer Ottmar Hitzfeld. Nevertheless Klinsmann has recently commented on the team’s website of Podolski’s value, noting first that he plans on bringing Lukas “up to the next level,” before definitively ending transfer speculations. “Lukas still has a two year contract here, it doesn’t even come into question. I will make a large effort so that Lukas feels comfortable at Bayern München,” said Klinsmann.

•European Underachievement. A comfortable Podolski is a natural goalscorer, as he showed throughout last year’s UEFA Cup. With a return to Champions League football, an in-form Podolski would significantly increase Bayern’s likelihood to progress deep into the tournament. Otherwise they are likely to continue their recent trend of European underachievement. Not since their victory in the 2000-01 edition of the Champions League have they come close to lifting the trophy. Much like their greatest European rivals, Real Madrid, Bayern are in danger of becoming irrelevant in the latter stages as teams from England and Italy continue to monopolize the competition.

•Choosing a New Captain. The retirement of Oliver Kahn has provided Klinsmann with an excellent opportunity to shape the direction of the club. The captain must necessarily reflect the best mixture of leadership and virtues that a trainer wishes to emphasize on the pitch. Will Klinsmann’s Bayern be the steely determination of midfield hardman Mark Van Bommel or the attacking panache of fullback Philipp Lahm? While there are a multitude of options, choosing Van Bommel puts the armband in the midst of the action, in line with Klinsmann’s choice of Ballack as Germany captain. The choice of Lahm on the other hand would signify both a commitment to an aggressive style of play while simultaneously emphasizing the importance of homegrown players, in a nod towards tradition. With Van Bommel on the wrong side of 30, Klinsmann’s choice (in our hypothetical binary situation) could also be a clue as to how long he wishes to stay at Bayern…

•Ennui or Extended Stay? There’s no question that, alongside his extraordinary ability, Jürgen Klinsmann will be remembered for his journeyman career. His talents blessed the shores of Germany, Italy, France, England and even the United States in 2003 (as Jay Goppingen) before returning to the Fatherland. After his initial stint with VfB Stuttgart lasting from 1984 to 1989 he hasn’t stayed longer than 3 years at any one club. Will this trend continue at Bayern (again)? Should he decide to stay long-term he faces the unenviable prospect of trying to escape the shadow of Ottmar Hitzfeld, the doyen of German coaches.

If he wants to challenge Hitzfeld’s legacy, he’ll need to do so by winning a title almost immediately. Since Bayern were first promoted to the Bundesliga in 1965 there have been 16 different gaffers. 6 of these did not win a title in any form (although Giovanni Trapattoni, in his second spell, won the 1996-97 Bundesliga crown and the 1997-98 DFB-Pokal). None lasted longer than two years before being sacked. It is difficult to imagine Bayern’s board being satisfied with the new Germany’s approach Klinsmann instituted, win or lose but play beautifully and make friends along the way, if not accompanied by new hardware for their trophy cabinet.

What do you think? Will Klinsmann thrive under the Bavarian sun? Or will he wilt beneath the media glare of overblown expectations?

Next week: Jürgen Klopp at Borussia Dortmund

Who are they? FC Nistru Otaci, founded in 1953.

How did they get here? 3rd in the Moldovan National Division.

Where do they play? Stadionul Calarasauca, a tiny 3000-seat stadium (note: the Hamburg fixture will take place at Stadionul Zimbru in the capital, Chisinau). It would, no doubt, fit comfortably inside the underground parking garages of Berlin’s Olympiastadion. Nevertheless, its capacity is slightly more than 1/3rd Otaci’s population. The city itself is located in the extreme northeast of Moldova, famous for its wine (maybe) and, no joke, sharing a name with a Turkish skin care company. Otaci is situated along the banks of the Danube across from Ukraine (which no doubt explains the presence of so many Ukrainians in the squad).

Domestic Pedigree: 2005 saw FC Nistru lift the Modolvan Cup after defeating FC Dacia 1-0, the club’s only success to date. Incredibly, however, FC Nistru have been losing finalists eight (8!) times, including two defeats in extra time and three more in penalty shootouts. The team’s “almost, but not quite” form is mirrored in its league performances. It has been unable to break the duopoly of FC Zimbru Chisinau and FC Sheriff Tiraspol atop the table, who between them have won 16 of the 17 championships contested since 1992 (Constructorul Chisinau being the exception in 1996-97).

European Glory: In short, none. If forced to choose, well, they were unlucky to go out to Honved on penalties in last year’s UEFA Cup first qualifying round. Honved was the team of Puskás, Kocsis, et al. who comprised the bulk of the Hungary’s Magical Magyars in the early 1950s. So European glory by distant, distant ridiculously tenuous association.

Well, that’s interesting: After Moldovans and Ukranians you might be surprised to learn that Cameroonians (all two of them) make up the team’s third largest contingent. I haven’t the slightest idea why.

Prediction: Hertha Berlin will settle for a draw away and play for the win at home, leading to a comfortable (and conservatively estimated) 3-1 aggregate victory.

So who is this year’s worthy winner?

3. Grafite (Edinaldo Batista Líbano) – VfL Wolfsburg, Striker (9 Yellows, 1 Red)

2. Mark Van Bommel – Bayern München, Midfielder (7 Yellows, 2 Reds)

1. Mihai Tararache – MSV Duisburg, Midfielder (13 Yellows, 1 Red)

Spain – The league may be lauded for its players’ technical skill but they’re also either very tenacious or very sloppy in going after the ball. Mihai Tararache, the Bundesliga’s poor discipline standard bearer would do no better than sixth behind Daniel Alves, Fernando Amorebieta, Sergio Ramos, Roberto Ayala, and Aitor Ocio. Interestingly enough both Fernando Amorebieta and Aitor Ocio play for Athletic Bilbao, perhaps the Bundesliga could learn something from the Basques?

Italy – While not quite as outrageous a disciplinary situation as in Spain, it seems as though everyone in Serie A is required to end the season with at least half a dozen yellows. Tararache would place third behind Manuele Blasi and Morris Carrozzieri (while a strong argument can be made for Napoli’s Maurizio Domizzi above Tararache as well).

England – Reliable old England. Finally something the Germans can proudly say we do better than the English (not including World Cups, European Championships, Health care, etc.): player indiscipline. Mihai Tararache would comfortably place first (having played in a league with fewer games to boot) ahead of Nicky Butt, Nigel Reo-Coker, and Christopher Samba.

The names of the other squads returning to Europe has a familiar ring to them:

Both Bremen and Schalke return to the Champions League with Bremen automatically qualifying this year and Schalke going into the third qualifying round.

Hamburg, last year’s Intertoto Cup “winner”, enters the Uefa Cup proper joined by a Wolfsburg team who in 2006-07 had finished 15th, the last safe spot above the relegation zone, and Dortmund who had an uninspiring year but were runners-up in the DFB Cup.

Hertha Berlin are fortunate to be in Europe this year, being the lucky recipients of a Fair Play UEFA Cup first round qualifying place along with Manchester City and Denmark’s FC Nordsjælland.

Finally Stuttgart, the ex-reigning champs, have the pleasure of playing in the Intertoto Cup’s third round where, if they’re as lucky as Hamburg was last year, they’ll get to play a team from Moldova. The Intertoto Cup is slated to be abolished in 2009, so if Stuttgart (or any other German club) still has designs on European silverware the time is running out.

Bayer Leverkusen and Nürnberg both failed to emulate last year’s success. Leverkusen just missed out on a spot in Europe with their 7th place finish. Nürnberg took matters one step further by not only avoiding Europe but the 1. Bundesliga as well, choosing relegation instead. Being relegated as reigning DFB Cup holders stands proudly alongside the club’s unique achievement of winning the league one year (1968) and being relegated the next.

Joining Nürnberg are Hansa Rostock and MSV Duisburg, two squads who gained promotion only the year before. Karlsruhe, comfortable winners of the 2. Bundesliga, finished a respectable 11th in the table.

The 1. Bundesliga welcomes in their place two old faces: five-time champions Borussia Mönchengladbach and three-time champions FC Köln, and one very new one: 1899 Hoffenheim. Hoffenheim is only two years removed from playing in Regionalliga Süd, one of the various third tier leagues (soon to be replaced by a nation-wide 3. Liga). It is difficult to imagine them surviving beyond their inaugural season in the highest division, but they are sure to gain numerous fans from around the football-starved Heidelberg area in southwestern Germany.

As for the other clubs? Hannover, Frankfurt, Bochum, Cottbus and Bielefeld did just enough to stay within the safe band of clubs between spots 7 and 15 on the table to avoid mention. Sure, Cottbus and Bielefeld flirted continually with relegation throughout the season, but did just enough in the end. The rest managed to be solid, anonymous mid-table clubs. Consistent adequacy may not be glamorous, but it is reassuring.

With two games remaining a total of six points is all that distinguishes the bottom five squads from one another. Three: Rostock, Duisburg, and Nürnberg technically inhabit the relegation zone with 27, 29, and 31 points respectively. Bielefeld (32 pts) and Cottbus (33) are flirting with danger, being out of immediate harm’s way BUT having two of the three worst goal differentials in the league (lowly Rostock rounds out this ignominious trio).

How will this shake out?

Hansa Rostock – Relegated. They need two wins and a lot of help. It’s not inconceivable they’ll defeat Bochum in week 34. They won 2-0 (at home) in December, but by week 34 it will already be too late. Unfortunately for Rostock they face a determined Leverkusen side hoping to steal a UEFA cup spot from Hamburg or Stuttgart.

MSV Duisburg – Relegated. It all comes down to their final game against Eintracht Frankfurt after presumably losing this week to Bayern. While they’re unlikely to get sufficient points to force their way out of the drop zone, their schedule is best suited for doing so (at least dramatically). In short, don’t be completely surprised if Duisburg should leapfrog Nürnberg and Bielefeld to safety.

1. FC Nürnberg – Relegated. It’s a shame, really. They’ve become a classic yo-yo club and seem destined to go down yet again. They have the talent to get a draw away at Hertha Berlin but that’s it. The final week sees a Schalke side visit intent on securing an automatic Champions League spot. A valiant, but ultimately futile effort. Goodbye Bayern München and 1. Bundesliga, hello TSV 1860 München and 2. Bundesliga.

Arminia Bielefeld – Safe. Had Bielefeld been forced to play Dortmund away they would end up being relegated after losing to them and Stuttgart in succession. As it stands, they manage to avoid the drop, barely, by drawing at home to Dortmund.

Energie Cottbus – Safe. Their meager points cushion is enough to see them through to another season of top flight football by default. Not a particularly inspiring example, no last gasp heroics, just the good fortune of being the best of a bad bunch.